Too Much Fun

One of Calgary's favourite bits of self-promotion is talking up the pathway system. Using what I suspect is some creative math, Calgarians will proudly tell you that we have the most extensive bike-and-foot pathway system of any city in North America. And, in some ways, it is pretty impressive. Some sections are extremely busy commuter corridors, while others are so quiet you hardly feel like you're still in the city. I'm lucky to live close to the downtown section of pathway, and I go running on it practically everyday.

However, flaws in this glorious system become apparent when you attempt any kind of long-distance route. Today, my goal was to run from Centre Street and follow the path down to Glenmore Landing - total distance, about 10 miles. I was a bit nervous since this would be my longest-ever run, but I armed myself with provisions: water bottle, energy gel mini-bottle, my inhaler, a credit card and, just in case, a map of the section of path I would be following. Now, I studied this map beforehand and tried to remember the various bridge crossings, on-street sections and dead-ends to avoid. But, in the back of my mind, I was still thinking, really, how hard can it be?. As it turns out, really fucking hard.

The first mile to Fort Calgary I've run a hundred times. Simple enough, although it's getting more, uh, interesting by the day. The path runs right past the massive new homeless shelter, and, as the weather gets warmer, more people are choosing to sleep rough along the river and in the fields. No rules and no curfews, I guess. It's never been a problem in previous years, I just ended up saying good morning to a lot of bleary-eyed guys as they stumbled out of the bush. This year, the number of people has exploded and there are whole fields that are totally trashed. It reminds me more and more of the total despair of the downtown eastside in Vancouver. And I feel like a monster jogging past passed-out bodies, but I'm also getting too nervous to stop...

Anyway, down past Fort Calgary - skipping the bridge that would normally bring me into Inglewood, and turning onto the Elbow River pathway. And here my troubles began. (Note: please read that last sentence in Grandpa Simpson voice. Thanks for your cooperation.) Right away I came across a bridge under construction (wrapped in white plastic, actually, which was an odd sight). There was a detour sign, but it pointed nowhere. The people in front of me decided to take the bridge anyway, and connect with the path on the other side. This worked until I reached the Stampede grounds, where the pathway closed again. Gee, I'm really glad this was all noted on the official map I downloaded two days ago. Anyway, another closure, another mysterious detour that lead me nowhere. I ended up in parking lot, surrounded by horse trailers, trying to guess where to go. I followed the lot along the river before being turned around by two attendants, who said they'd been redirecting people since last year's flood, which caused all the detours. Even though it's been a year, nobody has put up any signs and both guys looked like they were sick to death of dealing with wayward runners and cyclists. So I doubled back and ran around the track and corral, passing by a 4H convention. Some of the kids were already dressed for the horse show - that's a lot of tassels and rhinestones for so early in the morning, but what do I know?

So, through the Stampede grounds and out into Victoria park. Across a bridge and I found the path again. Running along into Lindsay Park path is like a rollercoaster, ducking under three old bridges in a row, my head barely clearing the deck. Everything seems to be back on track until I reached a fourth bridge and decided it was the one indicated on the map as a cross point. Instead I ended up running through Mission, past the old hospital, trying to find a way back to the river. I ended up reconnecting fairly quickly, but I had to stop yet again to check the map, which was turning into a pain in the ass. Back on the path I ran past families of geese, the mothers hissing at me to keep my distance.

At this point the path crossed 4th Street and led me on my strangest detour. I crossed the bridge over the Elbow and saw a sign for the Elbow Island pathway and turned down some stairs to follow it. The stairs dropped me onto a small dirt path which continued into thick bush. This is can't be right - but I followed it anyway. For a minute, things looked good so I kept following, then the path became so overgrown I could barely continue. I dodged branches, got scraped by brambles and ended up coated with spider webs. I ended up on the edge of the river, next to the huge homes that front this section of the Elbow. On the opposite bank, people were walking along a real path, but I couldn't get there. I had no choice but to head back the way I came, back through the bush. This time I came across a homeless guy, bathing in his underwear. We nodded at each other and I kept going. At this point I began to suspect I wasn't going to make my pick up time...

Back up the stairs and a bit farther I found the path again. Seriously, if there had been even a single freaking directional sign to guide me, I wouldn't have had any problem. At best there were a couple street detour signs that were essentially useless because they made you follow them on faith alone, there was no way of knowing where you were going or how far the street detour was. And the map is worthless ass. None of the closed sectioned were noted, and none of the complicated path-street-bridge-street-path detours were shown in enough detail to be understandable.

At this point I was on one of the nicest sections of the entire system, when the path passes through the Rideau neighborhood and Stanley Park. But I was so pissed off and behind schedule that I could barely relax and enjoy running through it. Constantly stopping to check the map had thrown me completely off any rhythm and I couldn't get back on pace. I kept going, hoping that it would get easier once I had passed through Sandy Beach and started the south leg of the trip. But a few more unmarked, inexplicable detours and an official sign that seemed to point me down an alley and I gave up. The frustration that had been bubbling under since I started down the Elbow finally boiled over into an angry tantrum. I wished I had my iPod just so I could throw it as hard as I could and maybe stomp on it a few times. Honestly, I was ready to tear bark off a tree - I really just wanted to break something I was so pissed off. Instead I took a deep breath and tried to appear sane long enough to borrow a cell phone to call home and change my pick up spot. I had only run about 9K, but all the stopping, backtracking, map checking, and inadvertant urban exploration had added up to over 80 minutes. More importantly, I was irritated at everything I couldn't talk myself out of it and couldn't get psyched up to face whatever the rest of the route might throw at me.

So, I didn't make it. Nor did I get anywhere near my 10-mile goal. I'm still pretty pissed off, and now I'm convinced that if I had just tried one more detour I would have gotten back on track. I think I'm going to try the distance again on Monday, but this time, I think I'm going to stick to my regular 8K route and just do it twice. Desperately boring, but I don't think I need any more 'fun' right now.