Pride

According to Shawn's father Clyde, the Carnival Pride is considerably tackier than the average cruise ship. I've never been another ship, so I can only hope he's right. If you're looking for taste and subtlety, then the Pride is a true floating monstrosity. But if you're open to nine-story reproductions of Renaissance paintings and glittering plastic mosaics, then the Pride is actually quite fun. I liked how the decor cheerfully strode over the line from gaudy into bizarre without a second thought. Poorly-rendered reproduction of the David overlooking the dining room? check. A repeating pattern of mermaid sculptures swimming overhead in the cafeteria? of course. A series of unfortunately suggestive images of a boy riding a dolphin with, uh, no hands? sure, why not? Plastic Rococco Renaissance Vegas doesn't quite cover it, but it's a good start.

One of the highlights is the aforemetioned nine-story reproduction of Galatea which you can gaze upon as you take the glass elevators. Apparently this blatant display of boobs garners endless complaints from the easily offended, who swear to never set foot on a Carnival ship again. If only the endless parade of Renaissance flesh could convince them to never leave home again.

Luckily the excess doesn't extend to the cabins, which were simple and almost scientifically streamlined. I thought it was cool the way everything in the bathroom was oddly angled, yet perfectly ergonomic - fooling you into thinking it was much bigger than it really was. I need that designer to work on my apartment.

After a few days, it got so I hardly noticed it all. Checking out the massive murals was just something to while I waited for the elevator. But there were always more details waiting to jump out - wait, is that mermaid pattern woven into the carpet? What the hell were they thinking with that massive plastic molding over the stairs? In comparison, the rest of the world looks rather boring and excessively restrained. I think my office would be much improved if we could just install a 10-foot-tall David next to the printer. And now that I think about it, my living room would be much improved with the addition of a sparkly red velvet curtain...